The very formulation of the question “how to return trust”seems a little doubtful to me. Trust is not something that can be taken away, and then returned. This is my personal point view, of course. Trust is the feature of a union of two people, born in the process of communication and interaction. If one trusts a stranger without going through a “lookout” stage, then something is wrong with one’s way of interaction with the environment. The new and the unknown carry a threat, and it is quite reasonable to look out to it before going closer. Trust can also be given in advance: I do not know a person well, but I take the risk, trusting him or her. However, in such cases, the risk is not very high, as you have not much to lose yet.

Why Trust Is So Important In A Relationship

What is trust in a relationship? Trust is being strict to promises given to you, based on the authority of the one who gives them. This is my personal definition of trust in a relationship.

It is extremely difficult for each person to open one’s heart to someone. If we do this, such a decision can be considered an achievement. It is really tough to build relationships and make friends without trust. Trust, as a basic attitude to the world, is formed in a person during the first year of one’s life. And the way this first year of life goes influences how further 90 years will go. This is how you feel about the world, how you interact with it.

In other words, it shows whether you trust the world as a living organism or you think that the world is a dangerous thing, and you should not to wait for anything good from it. This is the ground which gives life to our relationships with people, our friendly relations and romantic ones.

Of course, trust is one of the main bricks in the wall of love. And if suddenly the partner makes the trust cut short, then the relationship often falls apart, or disappears completely. Trust is closely connected with lies, therefore "to undermine” trust also means to lie.

Why is trust important in a relationship? The most frequent context when talking about "lost trust" is the context of the relationship between friends and lovers. Such relationships include a number of implicit agreements: being honest, keeping one’s word, avoiding things that can harm a friend or loved one. In addition to these universal principles, you can add a few unique requirements for your couple. Let’s consider most popular trust issues in a relationship.

Let’s imagine the following situation. A girl says that her boyfriend betrayed her because he was dancing with another girl. An ambiguous statement, isn’t it? Well, this proves the importance of agreements. Some things like having sex with other partners are pretty obvious when speaking about loyalty, and some like dancing with other people are not. So, if you have some special requirements for your partner, discuss them in advance. It’s a pity to see couples breaking up because of such things. Therefore, clarify if the partner knows about your expectations before blaming him or her.

How To Restore Trust After Lying To Your Partner

You can try winning trust for ages, but you may need just one lousy day to lose it. So, how to rebuild trust in a relationship?

Now let’s consider most common variants of the "lost trust" in relationships: cheating (fidelity is a rule inscribed in our culture, and it is automatically implied unless otherwise agreed), lying, failed promises. It can be either real, or generated in a mind inflamed with jealousy. How to restore the partner's trust if it is a mistake, and one partner blames another one for no reason?

How to regain trust in a relationship? Well, trying to get forgiveness is the wrong way. The scenario has two roles: the criminal ("cheater") and the judge, who at the same time occupies the position of the prosecutor. The criminal has already been convicted, he is begging the prosecutor to forgive, and is ready to do almost anything. In fact, this is nothing but an attempt to bribe a judge for the sake of mitigating or canceling a verdict. In this situation, one party possesses a great deal of preserved anger and the other party presents his or her anger openly. In addition, forgiveness is not synonymous with restoring trust. For me personally to forgive is stop holding on to anger, stop striving to hurt someone who had hurt you. Forgiveness does not make the sadness and the pain go away, it does not restore trust. You can forgive, but cannot trust the one anymore.

definition of trust in a relationshipYou cannot earn trust back. Again, we have two opposite roles here: the applicant for trust and the one who graciously evaluates the applicant's efforts. "You're trying not hard enough!" This is a "wonderful" position that allows you to squeeze as many benefits as possible from the current situation. Quote from one of the forums, "I lost the trust of my beloved man. He's terribly upset. I have been doing it for a long time and now he has run out of patience. He said that I should figure out my feelings and then take steps to reconciliation. "

Trust in a relationship cannot be restored unless both partners participate in this process, when none of you play the role of judge-prosecutor. The "deceived" ones demonstrate the shaft of sadistic aggression, the desire to trample, to humiliate the one who stumbled. The "betrayers" demonstrate an angry guilt that grows as the attempts to obtain forgiveness or win back trust fail. In this situation, forgiveness or anew "restored trust" is more often a fiction, and it becomes obvious when the offender is reminded of his past sins. The feeling of one's own "innocence" and partner’s "sinfulness" destroys any relationship, making it impossible to have any kind of normal conversation.

One user on a love-story forum said, "If you need to earn trust of a partner, you just need to ask him to forgive you, and show him your devotion." This is how people show their devotion to a master - not partner. Besides, a master has no reason to show devotion to his or her servant. What I mean is this is a mutual process which requires interaction and communication of both partners.

Restoration of trust is a mutual process, like any other thing that has to do with the communication of two people. The only possible option to restore trust is if both partners seek to restore it. The issue is not "how to earn your trust back," but "what should we do with our relationship, which at the moment lacks trust." What you need here is the quality, which arises only when the two partners move towards each other: sincerity. Have a sincere talk about the pain you feel because you made your partner suffer; demonstrate that your are not the judge or the ruler, but the same old guy (or girl) who is not hiding his suffering. Openness to someone else's experience makes it possible to feel his sincerity, while avoiding conversation or a conflict blocks sensitivity. Trust cannot be earned back, but it can be born again through the contact of two open, naked souls, whithout hidden sense or second bottom. You just need to feel it.

And then, you should talk about your relationship, the explicit and implicit agreements in it. The contact of two people has a healing power. The genuine contact, manifested in dialogue, when both partners are ready to change their point of view, and not to convince the interlocutor or force him to do what you want is a powerful thing when there’s left no trust in a relationship.

Rebuilding trust in a relationship steps:

Step # 1: Talk to each other

If you want to restore a trustful dialogue, look at your beloved one from a different perspective. This is the person you want to live happily ever after. Take care about her the way you want her to take care about you. Treat her right. Enough with the talks about children and family budget. After all, you can share your thoughts on hobbies, movies, music. Your soulmate will be pleased to see such an interest in your eyes. Accept the fact that your partner is different from you. Tell her what's interesting to you and what is not. Ask about her desires. Differences should not annoy, but make your relationship bright and colorful.

Step # 2: Spend time alone

How to restore trust in a marriage? When children appear, the former passionate lovers turn into busy parents. However, both children and adults will get benefits if adults spend some time alone. Walking together will help to see attractive people in each other again. In addition to joint ventures, practice your home evenings alone (without TV, Internet and children).

Step # 3: Flirt

Your partner will be nice, if you dress up on the weekend, and not just for work and special occasions. When you do your best to be attractive and fresh being at home, your partner considers it as "I want to please you". And this is good. Flirting gives confidence to both partners. It will help you to reduce tension and manage to relive the trust issue.

Step # 4: The first thing is love

How to restore trust in a relationship after lying? In the process of spiritual development of a person, crisis moments happen a lot. Sometimes we are questioning our own importance and our place in the world. We cannot trust ourselves, not to mention our partner. It is important for a partner to feel desirable and wanted, to be part of a single unit of society.

how to rebuild trust in a relationshipStep # 5: Support each other

How to restore trust after cheating? Sometimes it is hard for a person to accept his own weaknesses. However, being in a relationship, it is important to recognize partner's weaknesses and be able to provide support. After all, support is absolutely necessary for everyone. There is nothing new in being confused and losing the path. Your partner needs a shoulder to cry on and care? Give it to her.

Conclusion

If you want to restore trust in relationships, work together. Trust is a joint effort, not the desire of one and the concession of the other one. When someone is losing trust, it is worth considering - what do you feel for this person and do you have a desire to seek common ground with this person?

If you understand that despite the fact that your trust is lost, you are ready to try to restore the relationship, then take this decision and don’t look back. Otherwise, you may feel constant doubt, hesitating to be with him (her) or not to be.

Let's say you decided to give your relationship a second chance. Then, try to talk with your partner about all those unpleasant feelings that his actions caused (not the person himself, but his action). Listen to your partner - what she feels and what she wants.

After that, when you understand that the restoration of relations is desirable and you both need it, the next stage comes. It's called "turning pages". This means that you do not return to this episode anymore, you do NOT remind about it every time you have a chance to. This step requires forgiveness, and you need to be able to forgive. If you sincerely forgive a person, give her the opportunity to show that she is also ready to work on the restoration.

The most important thing on the matter of restoring trust is:

  • Talk about your feelings
  • Decide - whether you want to try to restore a relationship or not
  • Check - whether your desire is mutual or not
  • Forgive
  • Turn the page
  • Do not manipulate this sense of guilt in your partner
  • Be tolerant and caring to each other
  • Give time to each other

After all, the ability to hear, forgive and move on is a guarantee of a strong relationship.

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