Relationships…How well it all starts. You find ladies online, fall in love with one of them, and start dating. But then something goes wrong, and in the literal sense of the word, chaos sets in a relationship: constant quarrels, misunderstandings, aggression, and anger. Why is this happening? Why are we angry with our loved ones? And how to express anger in a healthy way?
Uncontrollable anger hurts relationships
Healthy anger vs unhealthy anger – what is the difference? Anger is a powerful emotion that carries a great energy charge. Sometimes it blows to shreds relationships that seemed unshakable and stable. But it’s not just about the one who gets angry. Even the wrong reaction of a partner may complicate the situation, bringing it to the “point of no return”.
It seems to us that relationships should always be romantic, gentle, kind, accompanied by affectionate kisses and gentle words, understanding, and mutual respect for each other. But actually, after a certain period, conflicts, scandals, expressions of anger, resentment, and discontent appear in a relationship instead of a healthy conversation with a woman. Moreover, all these negative feelings tend to accumulate and manifest themselves in those seemingly insignificant situations when we don’t expect this at all.
Anger is not an uncontrolled process. It is the reaction of your mind to what is happening. Yes, it is almost impossible to control anger in moments of aggression since a person being in a state of passion often doesn’t understand what he/she is doing. At this time, it will be better if there is no one next to such an individual since a person in aggression is dangerous and can harm and even cripple people around. Anger is among the most dangerous emotional outbursts. When we experience this emotion, we deliberately harm other people, often losing control over ourselves. So, skillfully managing anger and rage should become the primary task when negative emotions arise.
If we are in a romantic relationship, then we have to appreciate our partners, respect their opinion and desires. You should listen to them first of all and find positive ways to express anger. After all, when the opinion of your parents, friends, or someone else is more important to you than your partners, this will lead to serious problems. They will feel unnecessary and invaluable. If something doesn’t suit you in a relationship, then talk it over with your partner kindly and politely.
Most common sources of anger in relationships
A quarrel is one of the most unpleasant forms of sorting things out in a relationship. As a rule, a quarrel is accompanied by swearing and shouting, therefore, the participants themselves don’t experience anything but anger in relationships. Why do people get angry at each other in a relationship?
1. Resentment
When we are offended by our loved ones, we experience negative emotions towards them, so they can become a real catalyst in any insignificant dispute or discussion that will result in a scandal from scratch. A scandal often doesn’t last long, and sooner or later we make up since the offense can’t last forever. But those words said in the heat of a quarrel can ruin your relationship forever. Therefore, we recommend that you stop being offended and learn to forgive!
2. Bad mood
At times, we get angry because of a bad mood. After all, when we are out of sorts, then any little thing (done not as it should be) can bring us out of emotional balance. Quarrels on this basis are often short-lived and not serious. They will not be followed by negative consequences since it is enough to calm down, cheer up, and everything will be good. But again, we can say a lot of unpleasant words to each other, and this will lead to something bad in the future.
3. Cheating
In this case, a cheater will behave rather aggressively and easily enter into quarrels since he or she will no longer feel special tender feelings for a significant other. Such a quarrel differs in that the one who has an affair behaves completely differently in quarrels – more sharply, more categorical, and less restrained.
4. Inability to constructively protect your interests, defend your borders, express your position
Expressing anger, we often use its energy to refuse someone or insist on our own because we can’t do this in a calm state. We don’t know how to do it right and it seems that sometimes we are not able to protect ourselves, insist on our demand or request, say “no” because we don’t believe that we have the right to do so, or that it is unpleasant to behave this way. We think that we can offend another person with our refusal or opinion. That is why we become angry.
5. Psycho-emotional stress
There are many stressors in the life of a modern person, so we can say that each of us lives in constant stress, which differs in its intensity. Stress is a psycho-emotional emotion that needs to be given a way out. Otherwise, it accumulates and when the “last drop” of your angelic patience falls, you flare up like a match even if the reason is disproportionate to your reaction.
Main components of healthy expression of anger
We all are angry and dissatisfied with something. We can and should talk about this, but how can we be heard? There are several healthy methods to express your discontent to the partner.
- I-messages. If you start the dialogue with claims, the dialogue will not work. Another thing is if we talk about the so-called I-messages. When you say that something worries you, this is not an encroachment on the emotions and territory of the partner. It means that you want to save a relationship without quarrels.
- Rationality. We understand that you are upset. But if you want to show your dissatisfaction, it is better to be rational and cold-blooded. Moreover, on emotions, the dialogue will quickly develop into mutual accusations. Say what you don’t like without negative.
- Final goal. How to deal with anger in a relationship? Immediately determine for yourself the ultimate goal with which you start the conversation. Should it be just an excuse? A promise that this will never happen again? Compromise? Act and speak only on the basis of the ultimate goal, directly say what you want.
- Willingness to compromise. When you start a conversation, be ready not for the total fulfillment of demands but a constructive dialogue with the search for the most suitable compromises for both sides.
Appropriate ways to express anger to keep relationships safe
Anger is the emotion that most people try to keep locked up. However, this is not always possible and not for everyone. Sometimes we simply can’t cope with it. The consequences of such outbreaks can be devastating. Too hot-tempered people experience difficulties in relationships because of this. So, check out healthy ways to express anger:
1. Don’t be too demanding
There are no perfect people. When people are in a relationship, they often forget about it, demanding the maximum from the partner. But this illusion shouldn’t spoil your mind. Everyone has flaws and your partner also puts up with yours. Your loved one is a real person. So, be more patient, give your significant others the opportunity to improve and become better for you. Point out mistakes and ask them to correct them. And do the same in return. Remember that this is a stage that will change you if you want to. You are improving for each other. And this is much better than leaving everything as it is.
2. Don’t blame partners without knowing the reason for their behavior
We often get angry even before we hear an explanation from our loved ones. People are often susceptible to prejudice. For example, we can endlessly reproach our loved ones for trifles, without understanding the situation or invent non-existent problems based on previous bad experiences. Here comes the familiar phrase: “You are like everyone else.” The only way out is to think logically. Weigh the arguments and try to trust your loved one. This is a healthy expression of anger.
3. Get new emotions and avoid stagnation
You may have seen how even the most balanced and stable people lose their temper over time. They became irritable even over trifles. This often happens when we don’t receive a physical and emotional discharge and simply begin to dig into our problems. Find your favorite hobby, play sports, try to have picnics more often, or have a regular walk in the park. You can see that even running in the morning will make you more resistant to problems that previously made you nervous and anxious.
4. Have physical contacts more often
The best remedy for resentment and anger in a relationship is hugs. For men, physical contact is the best solution to all problems. Even if both of you are not in a good mood or you feel anger, then physical contact at such moments is simply necessary. You can touch each other’s hands, put your arms around your partner’s shoulders, etc. By the way, psychologists advise couples to make love every day. It can help bring back intimacy and relieve grudges.
5. Redefine expectations
We often live with unrealistic expectations and don’t even realize it. But how can everything go just the way we want? We dream of a harmonious life but the reality is full of obstacles. It’s time to finally admit that we’ll have to face difficulties every now and then so that when we meet them, anger will not flare up. Throw away thoughts like “my partner shouldn’t have done this” and categorical statements like “always” or “never.” Usually, such judgments are subjective and erroneous. Try not to dramatize the situation and don’t think that your loved one wishes you something bad.
6. Put yourself in your partner shoes
This is one of the most appropriate ways to express anger. At the very moment when anger seems to fill your entire body and seeks to break out, mentally switch places with your partner. Mentally answer your questions: Why did they say so now? How do they feel at this moment? Are they angry or offended too? Or didn’t they understand me? This will help you calm down. In addition, you will probably be able to look at the situation from a different point of view in this way and be able to resolve the resulting conflict.
So, summing up, we want to say that you shouldn’t blame yourself for your anger as it will make you more irritable and make the problem worse. Try to accept the fact that you are angry. Don’t let your anger drive you but don’t deny it either. Admit your anger and refrain from judging. Your goal is to understand what’s going on and learn how to express anger appropriately. You can use the tips above to focus and turn your anger into something constructive. Anger itself is not bad, but we must be able to control it so that it doesn’t poison our lives and relationships.
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