When it comes to romantic relationships, people tend to talk only about the external manifestations of this relationship: kisses, gifts, joint walks, candlelit dinner, sex and other melodramatic nonsense. Yes, all this is attractive and even important. But there is one more thing, without which it is impossible to imagine a strong romantic relationship - commitment. It appears imperceptibly and firmly enters the everyday life. Commitment can strengthen relationships, but it can also destroy them - it all depends on whether you are ready for commitment and how you treat the need to comply with it.

But the most important thing is to learn how to deal with fear - it prevents you from soberly assessing your own strengths and is able to destroy even the most powerful romantic relationships. So learn how to get over commitment issues and fears right now.

men with commitment issues​​

Relationships and Commitment: How it Works

If you want to know how to overcome the fear of commitment, read this part of the article carefully. The connection between romantic relations and commitment is very simple: as soon as there is a reciprocal commitment in relations, these relations can be called serious.

You can have a very high-quality, beautiful relationship, with confidence, love, and care for each other, but this does not mean that your relationship can claim at least some seriousness. It happens that adults are nice to each other, but in their plans, there is no place for serious relationships. They may not realize this until one of the partners talks about the commitment to each other. And most often, such a conversation reveals men with commitment issues.

In contrast, a serious relationship is a relationship where long-term prospects are firmly promised and both sides are not going to change anything in their promises and commitments. They have serious plans. Each of the partners is ready to make a contribution to these relations. And it's not about such insignificant investments as a few hours a week - it's about much more important things. For example, about investing all of your love in one person and being loyal. Agree, this is a completely different level.

Signs of a serious relationship, or relationships with commitment:

  • Both sides are not looking for other options or "spare" ways.
  • There is a common vision of the future that is close to both.
  • If this is a family, it is a willingness to deal with global issues: mortgages, children and so on.

Relations with commitment differ from "normal" relationships not only by these external features but also by their deep nature, their special form of deposit account and their scale. In the usual relations, the equivalent consumables (money, attention, compliments, treats ...) change, and each transaction is weighed separately. In relations with obligations, partners, and especially girls, put on the line "fixed assets", and this is usually children, health, reputation, property, opportunities to travel, earn, study ... It is therefore clear that girls want an equivalent exchange.

how to get over commitment issues

That is, a relationship with commitment is usually a transaction, where both participants put everything for everything. Thus, the possible risks associated with family life are compensated. And the appearance of other girls/guys is a reduction in the rate on a one-sided scale. Otherwise, the emergence of additional characters, as well as distractions to hobbies of any other kind is a banal theft. In other forms of mutual settlements, a "serious partnership" is highly unreliable, unprofitable and disintegrating. And more often women suffer from it for a long time.

Levels of Commitment in Relationships

The first level of commitments in relations arises at the initial stage. It's not even commitment, it is strict adherence to the habit. For example, you have a certain ritual - to call each other every evening and find out how the day passed. If you've always been the person who makes this call, your partner will interpret the fact that you did not call as something bad. If you are used to telling each other what you are doing, although you do not even live together, do not give up on it. If you suddenly say that you do not need it (after the month you did the opposite, as if you really need it), your partner will regard this as an irresponsible behavior.

The second level of commitments appears when you start living together. Even if you have not formalized your relationship, you already owe something to each other. What exactly this commitment is will entirely depend on you and your upbringing. In fact, this is a very difficult stage. You are just beginning to learn about each other's everyday habits. Start from small - make a schedule for cleaning the house, cooking and make arrangements for what your budget will be - common or separate. This is a very important and serious conversation - give it enough time. As soon as there is mutual understanding between you, give yourself a promise to strictly fulfill your obligations.

The third level of commitment in relationships appears when you decide to create a family. At this stage, you should already clearly distinguish your home roles and not create problems because of this. Your new obligations are caring for the family, providing security and resources for a decent life. If earlier you could have obligations to other people, equivalent to obligations to your better half, now they are inappropriate. Any discontent over the fact that you do not fulfill your obligations to the family will not be appropriate.

Relationships Without Commitment

Free relationships again become popular. Mass media replicates sex without obligations and frivolous attitude towards each other. We will not give a moral assessment of this phenomenon since in this case, we are only interested in pragmatism. So, what is a relationship without commitment? This is a relationship where the main link between the two partners is sex. You do not owe anything to each other - from time to time you meet, have sex, sometimes dine together and then forget about each other until again you feel the call of nature. It sounds tempting, doesn’t it?

But such relations have many significant drawbacks. For example, the lack of emotional ties between partners. You can represent yourself as an iceberg, a heartless egoist as much as you like, but this is nothing compared to the instinct of reproduction that occurs when two people often have sex with each other.

Sooner or later one of the partners will begin to feel the need for another. This will create a psychotraumatic situation, which is very difficult to overcome. If you have entered into an open relationship with your friend, your friendship can suffer very much, even to the point where you can never again communicate with each other.

In addition, keep in mind that the relationships without commitment never last for a long time. You will have to constantly look for a new partner. Although there are exceptions when such relations end with a wedding and the creation of a full-fledged family.

But let’s be honest with each other: if you are looking for free relations, maybe you do not know how to overcome commitment phobia?

How to Overcome the Fear of Commitment

So how to get over commitment issues? We want it or not, but there are situations when you need to make decisions, take on some responsibilities. And the commitment entails a certain responsibility. This seems to be the norm of life. But responsibility scares most of us.

commitment problems​

Why does the fear of responsibility and commitment arise? In order to learn how to get over commitment issues, you should know about reasons why you have fear of it. Probably these questions begin to arise when you start to think about the problem and the meaning of responsibility in a person's life. It's strange, isn’t it? After all, being responsible means being a leader, being the first, keeping a hand on the pulse of all events and being a part of them. They dream of this and are afraid of it. Why?

The first bricks of a person's character are laid from the earliest childhood. We take from childhood very much and bear it on life. And if you constantly repeat to the child "you are a stray", "look at who you look like", "you will not get anything done," then an inferiority complex is developed.

The child will begin to doubt himself, his capabilities and this trait will not pass together with the adolescence. Can such persons take responsibility? I think no. They will only be moved by self-doubt, which will necessarily affect the romantic relationship.

A load of actions or omissions, mistakes and words fall on their owner. Man is responsible for his actions, for himself. Assuming some obligations (some kind of managerial or responsible position, obligations to the family - all these are equivalent things), then the person is responsible not only for himself but also for others. But is it possible to be confident in something else or someone else as in yourself? Fear of not coping, fear of mistakes and condemnation are the main arguments that will never be voiced.

The responsibility in our life in this modern world is similar to feedback, which is necessary for obtaining new experience, and, consequently, for our own development. The choice is only to accept it or not to accept it. If you intend to create a serious relationship, then you simply have to learn how to accept your obligations.

How to overcome the fear of responsibility

So can a person overcome the fear of commitment? Yes, if you follow the rules written below.

Be lenient with yourself. A failure to take responsibility often involves an unconscious desire for excellence. What are its origins? Your parents never praised you or demanded too much. As a result, you believed: "To be loved, I must be perfect. And if I do not take responsibility, then my weaknesses will not be noticed." It is very important to realize: perfection in this world is unattainable. And it's better to make mistakes from time to time than not doing anything at all.

Reconsider your beliefs. Many think that escaping responsibility, they retain their freedom. It's a delusion. Your actions, your conscience (with all its problems and blocks), the love that you have or that you dream about, if you are not responsible for all this, then someone else is responsible. Someone on whom you are completely dependent.

Face your fears. Becoming responsible means daring to declare yourself and accept the consequences of your actions. While we see the problem in its entire global scale, it suppresses us. Instead of constantly thinking: "I do not want responsibility," ask yourself: "What am I afraid of? What exactly is my fear of responsibility? At what moments it is especially painful for me to take responsibility for myself? "

Now that you know how to overcome the fear of commitment in relationships, start to work on yourself!

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