What Is Nitpicking in Relationships and How to Stop It

Nitpicking is a demonstration of great dissatisfaction with the relationship. This is an omen of serious disagreements between partners, and it always precedes an aggravation of relationships. Understanding this pattern, people in love can prevent the development of ripening scandals, quarrels, and nitpicking in a relationship.

What Is Nitpicking?

What is nitpicking meaning? Well, according to nitpicking definition, this is an unfounded, unfair, or petty reproach or remark. Couples faced such a situation at least once. Both partners are quite happy with their relationships for quite a long time, but then for no apparent reason, one of the partners starts noticing some negative things in a significant other. In other words, the grounds for nitpicking are very insignificant. But now any little thing causes an acute negative reaction, about which the person can neither remain silent, nor calmly react, nor ignore. Partners are constantly annoyed, dissatisfied, their state is mainly colored by negative emotions. You may notice that your girlfriend has the number of reproaches, claims, and she is not interested. And her intonation is more and more aggressive.

Nitpicking in relationships is called the “kiss of death.” There are many things in our daily life that can ruin even ideal relationships, for example, it is material instability, a tendency to dramatize, jealousy. Learning the nitpick meaning, we understand that it destroys a relationship because it is difficult to maintain positive emotions if you feel constant attacks from your girlfriend. Some guys immediately come to the conclusion that the girl simply doesn’t love them, she is looking for a replacement, so she compares them with someone more handsome, strong, successful. If a young lady begins her phrases with the words “you always” or “you never” - then this is a clear sign of hidden aggression. This style of communication can be associated with accumulated resentment and attempts to suppress negative emotions. Sometimes so many resentments and negative feelings accumulate that it’s easier to end the relationship forever than trying to reanimate it. In this case, only you know whether it is worth stopping your relationship or it is worth fighting for. But if you feel unhappy all the time, it’s a clear sign that it’s time to put an end to this destructive relationship.

In the vast majority of cases, such a change in behavior indicates that people are very dissatisfied with the relationship, and men can even start dating girls online. There is some aspect of the relationship, lying deep in the problem. It forms a general dissatisfaction with the relationship and a negative emotional background. Then irritability appears, which spills into such small nitpicking. In a relationship, cooling and alienation may appear.

Meaning of nitpicking - what does this indicate

Men often can’t understand what women need from them. Some no longer know how to solve the problem. Psychologists are often faced with solutions to such problems, which, in fact, are quite easy to eliminate if you understand what is behind the woman’s nitpicking. What is the meaning of nitpicking? Women themselves often don’t know what they want. They rarely speak directly about their desires since they must first be realized. Most of the ladies want something, but they nitpick men for a completely different reason. And when emotions calm down, a woman understands what nonsense she was talking to the man.

Most often, the desire to see and point out the shortcomings in the actions of another person is due to the desire to show their power over them, to show their superiority over the other person. The result of such communication are conflicts, quarrels, and a bad mood. It happens that people who nitpick are demanding by nature. They may even act from the best of intentions, but sometimes they go over in their desire to change the world and everyone around them. It is better not to argue with such people as they will want to find a mistake or a flaw and they will do it. You can say that you took note of what was said.

The desire to do everything well and correctly is inherent in all of us to one degree or another. And everyone has their own idea of how everything should be. For example, for you, to drink a cup of coffee is good, and someone will say that it is better not to drink a lot of coffee, especially with sugar. Do we need to spoil the mood of others with our quibbles? After all, there are no ideal people, and it is much more important to accept people as they are, to take care of the mental balance and peace of mind of another person. If you don’t control your irritability over trifles and the desire to point out other people’s shortcomings, this can lead to serious problems in communicating. Being positive is what is important in any situation!

Origins and Psychology of Nitpicking in a Person

According to the psychology of nitpicking, this state can appear due to emotional discharge. The reason is that people are energy vampires or just simply relieve emotional stress this way. In this case, they can nitpick to their loved ones with almost no reason and wait for a response. They may do it unconsciously.

There may be hidden dissatisfaction with something significant. It happens that people don’t forgive their loved ones any serious mistake and don’t dare to say so. It turns out that dissatisfaction with the main problem is accumulating. They start nitpicking their significant others.

Why do people nitpick? Also, people may not even assume that they offend their soulmates in their own words. They want the best. They express their observations, not realizing that people need to communicate differently.

And if people suffer from self-doubt, then their low self-esteem is beneficial for them. Such partners will obey them all their life. Therefore, they seek to lower their faith in their self-sufficiency by any manipulation. Criticizing endlessly, they belittle their significance and evoke a feeling of guilt.

What Differs Nitpicking from Constructive Remarks

Negative comments often kill self-confidence. But criticism can be both constructive, from which people can make a lot of good for themselves, and destructive, which can’t be ignored. So, let’s define nitpicking and constructive criticism.

1. Constructive remarks are wise advice

Thanks to it, a person understands how to achieve certain success in relationships. Encountering nitpicking in a relationship, people receive an opinion directed personally at their actions and words. In constructive remarks, a similar example is given in which the essence of a similar situation or person is expressed.

2. Nitpicking is harsh criticism directed to nowhere

What is nitpicking? This is a rough assessment and insults towards a person, ridicule, humiliation, emphasizing the personality’s shortcomings and weaknesses. It doesn’t carry any positive aspects. It is not aimed at improving the existing situation; it only gives rise to a whole storm of negative emotions in the person. The goal of destructive nitpicking is to manipulate the partner.

3. Nitpicking reduces your self-esteem

Constantly raising the bar of expectations or completely replacing them with new ones, destructive manipulators can instill in you an all-pervasive sense of worthlessness and constant fear of inadequacy. By isolating one minor episode or one of your mistakes and inflating it to a gigantic size, people force you to forget about your strengths, and you just worry all the time because of your weaknesses. This makes you think about the new expectations that you will now have to meet.

4. Constructive remarks are help

They are always aimed at avoiding mistakes in the future. Even if your partners completely disagree with you, they want to help you by pointing out really existing mistakes that you can change. When expressing their opinion, people shouldn’t insist that this is the only possible truth. They only offer options for solving the problem and don’t solve it on their own.

5 Examples of Nitpicking

1. “I don’t like this. It is a stupid idea! That’s all!” – This is one of the illustrative examples of nitpicking. You share some of your emotions or thoughts, for example, broken expectations, annoyance about the time spent, insight, information about yourself, etc., but in 95% of cases, a partner doesn’t need this. It is uninteresting and useless because it is about you, not about them.

2. “Look what you did! You did it terribly!” – There is no benefit from this assessment because it is subjective.

3. “You will never succeed. You tried million times.” – It sincerely seems to them that everything is connected, which means that they have the right to discuss you as if you were put up for evaluation.

4. “You are so lazy and stubborn!” – An aggressive outburst disguised as criticism is an attempt to react to one’s anger, envy, discomfort, and other emotions through an attack on a person. It is easy to understand that aggression doesn’t contribute to any improvement and help.

5. “No, you are wrong. I can do it better.” – We are all experts in some ways and often share our knowledge. This point is about redundancy. Hyper-expertise itself emphasizes that you know everything much better.

6. “You behave just like my ex!” – Everyone has exes. And they taught all of us something. Thanks to them, we know what we expect from the relationship, what we like in our partners, what we are ready to put up with, and what we don’t. However, the worst thing you can do is compare your current partner with your ex. This suggests that you are still thinking about your past relationship, and secondly, you are nitpicking. 

7. “Yeah, you’ve already done that once...” –  But that was three years ago. Since then, every time you run out of arguments, you start recalling old grudges to each other. Don’t live in yesterday. Solve current problems, and leave old ones in the past, otherwise, they can play a cruel joke with you.

8. “No comments.” – The worst thing you can say to your partner is to say nothing. Any relationship is primarily communication. However, by answering questions and reproaches from your partners, you show them that you hear what they are saying and this is important to you. By falling silent, you show an arrogant attitude towards your loved one.

9. “You are not able to understand me.” – Maybe the problem is that you don’t know nitpicks meaning and how to properly explain what is the reason for your worries? Your partners can’t read your thoughts to catch your mood, and they don’t want to spend time searching and analyzing the reasons why you have been depressed for three hours.

10. “It’s your fault!” – This is a very popular phrase that can often be heard from the lips of quarreling couples. Unfortunately, it is completely useless. There is no point in pronouncing it, and it also adds fuel to the fire, forcing the one you accuse to defend. 

How to Stop Nitpicking in a Relationship

It is difficult to stay in a good mood if a partner constantly nitpicks you with everything. With this attitude, the desire to do something is completely lost. And indeed, it is quite difficult to communicate with a person who is always dissatisfied with something.

1. Don’t criticize them, especially in response to criticism

So, how to stop nitpicking? Of course, we’d like to say, “Why don’t you do this?” That is, we want to repel the blow inflicted by criticism. But such an impulsive reaction will only aggravate the position of critics and their desire to condemn and criticize. So, mentally say to yourself, “Stop!”

2. Praise them several times a day, approve, and give thanks

Don’t know how? Learn. When you praise and support them, you will show your example. Indeed, with long-term relationships, we tend to learn from one another’s habits. But don’t criticize them for not praising you in return, and don’t expect reciprocal praise. It’s hard for critics to praise. They were not taught this. In their parental family, it was not customary to praise and support each other.

3. Regain self-confidence

Constant nitpicking in relationships greatly reduces self-esteem. Some people feel this on an instinctive level, and the more loved ones are not confident in themselves, the more they criticize them. You need to remember all your virtues, achievements in life, and positive qualities. It is not for nothing people say that those around us treat us the way we treat ourselves.

4. Stop the unproductive conversation

A great option is to say, “I need a little time to think about your words. Let’s agree that we will discuss this another time.” Or “I feel humiliated when you talk to me like that. You hurt my feelings.”

Or “Please, let’s limit ourselves to only one critic word in a day. When you begin to recall past sins or list them one by one, I can’t listen to it.”

5. Don’t defend but ask questions

The two main methods in dealing with nitpicking are clarifying questions and fixing on the details; they often help sort out a categorical message on the components that you can work with. “You didn't do what I said” – the criticism is baseless, which doesn’t provide opportunities for growth, correction of mistakes, and doesn’t explain anything. Ideally, criticism should be an instruction - ready-made recommendations aimed at the result, which you can begin to implement right now.

6. Ask for details

How to stop nitpicking in a relationship? Sometimes it’s worth clarifying the nitpicking. First of all, thank people for their critical comments. Next, you need to make sure that you understand them correctly: you can clarify some aspects of their remarks. For example, “What do you mean?” “Give an example, please!”

7. Use someone else’s opinion

Different people think differently. They see the situation differently. They notice that others don’t notice and, on the contrary, don’t see what you see. That is why we are forced to cooperate: our points of view complement each other, even if, at first glance, it seems that they conflict.

So, what does nitpick mean? Now you know everything about it. Whatever the reason underlying the nitpicking is, it is advisable to try to figure it out. If the reasons lie outside the relationships, then the second partner, of course, needs support in a difficult life situation. The absence of such support, understanding, sympathy, even a simple sincere interest in troubles, can cause the outburst of negative emotions on people. If you can give them support, empathy, inspiration, then they will find a reliable rear, which they need.