Loneliness is not a new concept. The same applies to the problem of accepting loneliness. Blaise Pascal remarked that court jesters appeared in order to save the kings from loneliness, as too self-absorbed king became anxious and irritable. "Therefore, all modern culture is great entertainment, protecting us from loneliness and thoughts about ourselves," said Pascal. A hundred years ago, Nietzsche wrote something similar, "When we are alone and calm, we are afraid to hear someone's whisper and therefore, we hate silence and rush into the maelstrom of public life."

However, who said that loneliness is always bad? On the contrary, all great people, such as spiritual teachers, writers, artists, scientists, and commanders greatly value loneliness as the most important resource of their creativity and self-development. It is worth looking at loneliness from the other side and getting to know what it can give us.

how to be alone but not lonely

Dealing with Loneliness – Why It Can Be So Difficult

We live in a world that is changing very rapidly. This is a life where money and status are valued more than moral virtues. This is a life full of lots of information and really interesting activities. All this takes our precious time that we can spend with living people. We are so obsessed with social networks that we simply do not have enough strength to tear ourselves away from the screens of monitors. We miss precious time and start living a sheltered life. Despite the illusion of communication, social networks cannot fully replace live interaction. Senseless text and lack of emotions – all this creates a feeling of incomprehension and rejection. Every day people become more and more lonely and withdraw into themselves because only there they find understanding, sympathy, and empathy.

It is the social environment that serves as a source of negative emotions. It is people who provide pressure on us, impose unnecessary and senseless ideas, distort the worldview, and force us to abandon the most precious possessions. Intoxication with this social poison is sometimes so severe that a person breaks up all the connections with “others” and isolates themselves from them, trying to preserve and grow those pitiful crumbs of their individuality that have left.

Why is it so hard to get rid of loneliness? First of all, a person must realize that they are lonely and do something to get out of this terrible state. It is worth asking yourself a few important questions to understand your desires. The most important of them – how much are you afraid of loneliness? The more you fear is, the more likely you are to be lonely. Why? Because fear paralyzes. It interferes with thinking and acting, takes away strength, and does not allow seeing anything except the problem of loneliness. You fall into a vicious circle, from which it is very difficult to get out.

Negative emotions open our eyes to unmet needs. If a person does not take constructive steps to satisfy their immediate needs but tries to stifle loneliness with alcohol or other chemical substances, it will not help get rid of loneliness, but on the contrary, aggravate the situation even more. That is why such a negative emotion is growing to indicate the existing unsolved problem. And after the fear reaches a very high level, it turns into a panic and prevents rational action and control of the situation. You become your fear.

Lonely vs Alone: What's the Difference?

What is the difference between alone and lonely? Loneliness is a state of psychological isolation from society and a lack of communication. As a rule, lonely people feel unhappy, wanting to get rid of this terrible feeling by all means. 

difference between alone and lonely

This is a complex psychological situation associated with deprivation, depression, anxiety, search for a way out, despair, and suicide. You can have a large number of people in your social circle, but at the same time, be lonely. Therefore, feeling lonely when you're not alone is possible.

Aloneness is a completely different thing. In this case, a person is single, but this is the result of their own choice. They usually say, “It doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.” A man chooses aloneness himself, he needs it in order to collect his thoughts and solve problems – external and internal, which require efforts, the concentration of all his intentions and potentials. Creative people cannot live without solitude and fall into this state from time to time. They know how to not feel lonely when alone. Unlike loneliness, solitude is a very diverse state. It cannot be said that it is always positive, it is a complex but productive and creative state, filled with hard work. And each person has such an opportunity.

Loneliness lives in fear and search like turned inside out. Aloneness always looks inward. It is self-sufficient. Aloneness is peace, loneliness is isolation.

Loneliness calls us to people, aloneness returns to the inner world. Love your loneliness, and it will become a solitude for you. In aloneness, we gain our inner centre. Having found a point of support in ourselves, we do not need to revolve around someone's axis. Having discovered strength in ourselves, we do not need to look for it in other people. We do not need to be filled outside. And then the world around ceases to be a means of compensation. People who know and understand this may be alone but never lonely. What happens when two people who cannot be alone, try to be together? – Joint loneliness. These two will “scoop” each other until they scrape to the bottom and decide that the relationship has exhausted itself. They will never become a united body.

In order to be with another person, you must first find a connection with yourself. If we cannot accept our loneliness, we begin to use the other as a shelter from isolation. Having learned to be alone, we are ready to be with someone entirely. Then the joy of intimacy, not the fear of being alone, keeps us close. And the relationship becomes not a shelter for refugees but the abode of open hearts. That is why learning how to live alone and not be lonely is so important.

How to Accept Loneliness?

The first thing to say when you want to know how to accept loneliness is to stop being ashamed of it. It happens that loneliness is perceived by society as something shameful. And many people are afraid of what others will say about them: call them unlikeable, losers, or weird. Therefore, some lonely people prefer not to talk about the feeling of being useless and detached from society. Sometimes lonely people experience difficulties because they consider themselves to be somehow wrong or unworthy of communication.

After all, there is a common misconception, "If you have no friends, then, most likely, something is wrong with you." Therefore, they prefer not to share their real self with anyone. This uncertainty prevents the establishment of relationships with others. The inability to talk about your loneliness openly exacerbates the problem. If you judge yourself for your own feelings, it becomes even more difficult to take any steps to change the situation. In addition to everything else, you begin to judge yourself for not taking any action to solve the main problem.

Develop the ability to manage emotions

You need to control not only external emotions but also internal ones. Every person suffers when their need for communication is not satisfied. Moreover, if loneliness continues too long, it can turn into a real depression. The ability to cope with your feelings affects your emotional state. Constantly being in a depressed mood, you can begin to misinterpret the intentions of other people. It begins to seem as if they are trying to avoid communicating with you, although, in reality, this is not always the case.

Change your expectations

If you feel needless, it does not mean that you do not have any communication skills. Although in this case, both the desire and the ability to use them will be small. Lonely people often feel as if they are doing everything possible to make friends and feel connected to someone, but nobody reciprocates their feelings.

In the end, such self-deception only makes things worse – dissatisfaction begins to appear. People suffering from loneliness become prone to accusations and negative reactions to criticism. Their feelings are expressed in insults and anger. Most often, it causes society to stop communicating with such people.

how to not feel lonely when alone

Everybody feels lonely sometimes

Lonely people often believe that their problem is special and the feelings that they experience are abnormal. However, everyone has to experience loneliness at least once: moving to another city, graduation from school, or other life changes.

An unhappy person often focuses not on those people who are in a similar situation with them but on those who are currently happy. A temporary sense of loneliness can be called a part of our life. That's because people are social creatures. And most of us value love, intimacy, and social connections more than, for example, wealth and fame. So, you should learn how to be alone but not lonely.

Loneliness can be helpful

Studies have shown that when you suffer from a lack of communication, the same area of the brain is activated, which is responsible for the emotional signals that it perceives during physical pain. Just as physical pain protects people from dangers, loneliness protects you from the risk of being isolated from society. It suggests that it’s time to somehow change your behavior and start paying more attention to relationships with people.

Stop condemning your feelings

This is the main thing. Blaming yourself for your feelings is ineffective and wrong. Feeling lonely, not having a serious and meaningful relationship – is a normal reaction of an ordinary person. It's all the better if you learn how to not feel lonely when alone.


To sum up, loneliness is not exactly a “disease,” requiring specific treatment. This phenomenon is ambiguous. On the one hand, loneliness destroys a person who has no incentive to develop themselves because they feel isolated from society. On the other hand, it is an opportunity to sort yourself out, search your soul, assess the reality of your being, and reveal the possibility of love. In this case, loneliness becomes a positive force. Our life is subject to different forces, and the most powerful of them is love. Therefore, learning to love is the same as catching the tailwind in the canvases of your sails.

Realizing loneliness as a value, people can get rid of the prejudices concerning this phenomenon, overcome another barrier to self-realization and, ultimately, to happiness.

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